Are You a Genealogist?

Person:
wide-brimmed hat to ward off sun & rain in cemeteries
trifocal glasses
sticky tongue from licking stamps
muscular right arm from cranking microfilm readers
carpal tunnel syndrome from using computer
writer's cramp from taking notes
shirt with large pockets for pencils & membership cards
vest with pedigree chart on back for others to read
coin changer on belt for photocopy machines
knee pads for finding books on low shelves
sensible shoes

I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 39

I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 46

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 82

I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65

I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53

I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his need to cast blame on others. Age 46

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62

I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen several. Age 73

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. Age 64

I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. Age 29

I've learned that wherever I go, the worlds worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29

I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49

I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them a little card. Age 44

I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 13

I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 52

I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66

I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, try to improve your marriage. Age 61

I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58

I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72

I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night". Age 7

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. Age 41

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch--holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 85

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word Sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
And finally...
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.